A response to #TheHotCrazyMatrix. Enter #TheEgoMatrix. Also Boobs.
“So…I have a confession,” I said as I picked the label off of my soda bottle, a habit someone once told me is a sign of sexual frustration.
Without missing a beat, my Tinder date snapped, “Is this being recorded?”
How did he know?
The venue, Beach Nation in West Hollywood was packed with tanned locals sucking down iced lattés and highlighting sides.
It’s the perfect place to disappear. The sand and lounge chairs create the illusion that you’ve crossed the 405, when really you’re across the street Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood. And Dave blended right in, on his laptop with noise canceling headphones, microphones and mixer hidden as his dog and girlfriend sit by his side.
This was less obvious than last time. Instead of my mic being safety-pinned to my cleavage, this time it was carefully tucked away in the pocket of a my Michael Kors tote.
“Wait. They just heard all of that stuff about the [BEEP] and everything?!”
His once laid back California demur was now tense, reminiscent of a dad when his kids ask for more money.
I smiled and nodded nervously, unsure of what he was going to do. Leave?
Flip the table over Real Housewives’ style?
Or was he about to tell me what my mom reminds me of every time I go home and my room is a disaster, “See. This is why you’re single.”
“I’ll edit it a lot I promise.” I quickly said.
And then I did. Sparing you the 20 minutes of burrito banter where we asked each other what we would put in our dream burrito. A first date question I found in a Thought Catalog article, a question that was listed before what do you do for a living? And are you a felon? (I fully support that order). You also don’t need to hear me talking about myself for most of the date. After listening to these podcasts I have come to realize and accept that I am kind of a narcissist. (But what blogger/ comedian isn’t?!).
Listen to the podcast here.
This is what happens when you go on an undercover Tinder date with a match who the only thing you have in common is liking Sriracha.
Hence my date’s codename.
And incase you were wondering, these Tinder podcasts are indeed hurting my Tinder game. First the cracked iPhone screen and now this. But to quote Marilyn Monroe:
“If you can’t handle me at my best, then you don’t deserve to swipe right on me on Tinder.”
Or some shit..
Oh, AND GOOGLE YOUR TINDER MATCHES, PEOPLE.
I went on an undercover Tinder date last Sunday for my podcast You Up? The Podcast. It was almost like Blind Date meets Punk’d, but instead of Ashton Kutcher jumping out of the bushes, it was just my podcast co-host Dave.
Oh and since I embarrassed Dave… this is me:
Luckily, my date was a great sport, and great company. After some technical difficulties (my mic somehow got muted) and then fixing it in what my date described as, “the world’s fastest bathroom break.” My date and I got to your standard first date small talk like how Tinder is becoming almost too much, and what exactly are in McDonald’s hamburgers or what happens when you google your social security number? (Mine’s a phone number, while his was a stock photo of leaves) all while Dave and his buddy Gilbert provided commentary. The whole time I was nervous… when should I tell him? Then he brought up reality TV and that felt like my cue to blurt out, “hey! Guess what?! You’re on my podcast! Surprise!”
His face dropped. Is he going to pour his glass of Sauvignon Blanc on my face? I wondered. Well it’s okay if he does. I have a 6PM at Drybar anyway. It was a shame I ruined this picturesque moment. It was a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon as we sat in the courtyard of Vaucluse Lounge in West Hollywood.
After a series of, “you’re not mad are you?” And “No it’s fine, just don’t use my name,” “I promise we won’t. So you’re not mad?” We then brought my date on to the podcast, that was not at all discretely set up in the corner. Dave and I interviewed my date about his experiences on Tinder and Hinge, then Dave went on to explain the importance of “managing,” women, which we all agreed was a sentence Dave should never utter again.
Will we go on a second date? Well tune in next week to find out.